Here we go again....

Last week Kayne stayed home because he was ill.

Monday i got a phone call asking to pick him up becuase he said he was 'poorly and needed a nap' so i obliged although he was happily playing all weekend.

Tuesday, he complains a bit and i said to him that he was fine, i also told the teacher i would not come and get him unless he was hysterical or obviously sick. Sounds evil but i know he could convince them that he was unwell just to come home.

Wednesday, he doesn't want to get dressed for school, he begins the slow walking he did at Winchcombe. Tells me he doesn't like it anymore. but comes home telling me about what he's done.

Thursday, 'I don't want a polo-shirt, i want a shirt. I can't put my shoes on, my tounge hurts (in fairness it probably does but hasn't stopped him doing anything else), i don't wanna go'. Walks to school so slowly tortoises could over take him. When i pick him up he is fine; telling me he has a new book, a new friend etc. We go to the shop and he walks normal speed.

Friday, he didn't want to get dressed walked really slow but was ok when we got there, just a little reserved. he came home telling me about going to the allotments with the school and making another friend.



I feel confident that he is not bored. I don't understand how he has gone from racing me there to lagging meters behind. I don't understand what is going on in his head.

He doesn't talk anymore he whines about everything, somedays i wonder if he is really unhappy and that we are missing something obvious. He is so draining right now, Lani is really getting into the independence/tantrum stage and i'm finding myself out of my depth sometimes...which is new to me and i will admit a bit scary too.
I think we need a new strategy to combat the whining as nothing seems to work right now. I want my happy 2/3 year old back. Not this grumpy, whingy, unmotivated 4 year old. Maybe thats the key and i just haven't realised how deep it goes or maybe i'm using it as an excuse.

Up to April already...

Been up and down since my last post. We've all been ill. Lani is teething badly, i think it's 2 molars and atleast 2 front teeth, she has 11 now i think. Only 8 days till Mark's operation. Only 7 days till baby Amelie is 1.

I've been looking at some courses on OU. I need to exercise my brain and i need to find some things to do with Lani when Kayne is at nursery. I'm hoping to find a music type class we can go to. I'm leaving the group i've been going to for nearly 4 years. I feel i've just moved on from it. They can't help me any more. I've learnt to deal with my depression as and when it comes. I think i am able to minimise the 'down-time' it causes me. I think accepting that I may never get rid of it means that it only wades in when it is a big thing. Sorting out school issues has help clear my mind. I know i need to find things outside of my children.



I've been reading a lot about giftedness for nearly a year now. I was shocked to read that things that i do are consider traits of giftedness. But on the other hand not really, i know that things i can see and the connections i make, other people don't or can't. I always thought that that was just the differences between people. Mark can do 20 simple sums (+, - /, x) in 16 seconds (Brain Training). The one that really got me is that i can manipulate 3D objects in my minds eye - i thought everyone could do this, i guess it explains why i was good at product design in school.



Anyway on to a few pictures as i haven't put any on for ages;

The world looks better this way

I love you big brother

Whenever Kayne is laying on the floor Lani will come and lay on him. She snuggles him, and they lay together, It's so beautiful. You can just about see on Kayne's face that he's isn't 100% happy about this arrangement. He isn't always completely happy with being held and never really has been - it has to be on his terms. But the expression is more likely that they are nearly the same weight and she is squashing him!

Proper Lego!

Not completely got the finger skill to fiddle with it properly but it's more fun than Duplo which he barely touches anymore. Only bad thing about this stuff is Lani likes to put it in her mouth so Kayne has to go out in the hallway to play with it.

Lani at 16 months!

well i didn't go shopping with Kirsty - she moved out of the flat as Leon brought some people back to the flat at 1:30 am and kept her up. So we are going to have to go another day.
I might be meeting up with an old friend that i used to go to school with; will right more if it occurs....

I've been trying to learn Dutch the past few days, it's going ok. I'm so glad Bart is patient. It's a brain challenge, it makes me feel like i'm not wasting my time. And thats not got anything to do with Lani or Kayne. All the old songs have the same meanings again. I'm finding it so hard to find myself in how i'm feeling at the moment, it's scary. I can't work it out. Damn it i get so 'attached'. He treats me like Tasha and not a mummy first. Something i wish everyone did, but i guess thats how it goes.

Everything is going ok i guess.

Another monday...

We got back from Clair's this afternoon, we had a good time. Kayne got really travel sick on the way there so he will now be dosed with travel sickness pills before we go on any longish journey. I love Clair's house it was very nice, lovely nooks and crannies for things and places to hide. It was quite easy to relax and just watch Kayne running in and out. For his bed time story Kayne read, himself, about 4 pages of 'Big Pig on a Dig'.
I got my book on gifted children, it has helped me feel a little more 'normal'! I'm not so worried about him having/not having this assessment - i don't think he has asbergers, i think it's just because he finds the other kids 'boring' and they seem a bit alien to him.

I'm in love with music again :) i mean i have always loved it but i crave it at the moment - loving Brainpower all over again, i bought Justin Timberlakes' album. what i find is that i like one or two songs on an album and it seems a bit pointless buying an album for a couple of songs - i might have to get on to Tesco to download some - the only problem with that is they are probably only mainstream songs - not likely to have dutch rap on there are they?
I need to print our photo's through snapfish so i can do some scrapbooking. I need to do things for me - to find me again. Mark was saying that i always seem to need to have my likes/dislikes validated by someone else - maybe thats because i've lost myself?

Going to Reading on wednesday with Kirsty - baby shopping!! :D

Kayne the comedy boy

We were at grandmas today. He was playing with his Thomas track and he had Thomas and Percey going round and round a loop. He looks up after intently playing and announced 'Oh no i'm in trouble, i'm going round and round in circles'. He went to his 'Tidmouth sheds' and said 'grandma you come and play' grandma says 'Who will i be?' and Kayne as quick as a flash says 'the fat controller'.

Kayne put some things in grandads briefcase for his lunch tomorrow and said ' i want to go with grandad and have strawberry juice, crispys and nannarna' and about 2 hours later said, 'i want to got on a picnic with grandad tomorrow'

Gosh he can be so funny some times.

Lani has conjunctivitus her eye looks so so sore. 1-2 drops 4 times a day. Horrible horrible, my poor poor baby.
I love her so so much, i love her differently to Kayne but just as much. I'm so protective her and her emotions, i hope to the light that she doesn't get depression or ever feels like i can do. I think i was so in love with my easy and whimsical life when i was young that coming down to reality was so hard and horrible, i hate it now. I would love to be able to play with Sindy again, innocently like i can remember doing. My baby girl is so precious and beautiful i can't wait to see her grow and yet i don't want her too.

i am seriously considering another baby, when Lani is over 2. I want a home birth, and to breastfeed for atleast 6 months, but we shall see. Kayne wants another brother or sister.

Kayne wants a cat.

Making plans

ok, i did something about it - i went to the doctors, i'm back on anti-depressants. I'm not sure if i want to be but i need to be, i need to be good and strong for Kayne and Lani and for myself. I need to start doing things for me. I need to scrap book again, and i need to learn to drive.

I have a small plan:

1) Learn to drive
2) Do a course at the college - art foundation?
3) Look at uni courses/ continue another course at college.

i need to be learning i hate the feeling i'm wasting my life, i know looking after kayne and lani is important but it doesn't stretch me. I need to stop thinking i'm a bad mother - i know i'm not! I take alot more care of my kids and i understand them alot better than many people do know thier own kids.
I want to get married, i think we should save for that. We have resigned to waiting til the council house us.
I can't wait for Kirsty to go on materinty leave, then hopefully we can meet up lots. I think i should go see her at the weekend too.
I need to find things for Kayne - something that will keep his interest. Thinking of keeping £50 aside of my CB and letting him run lose in toys'r'us or ELC or similar. We must take him to the didcot railway. I was thinking of getting some costume patterns and making him some costumes.

Depressed

Ever felt if you cut out your heart and put it on the table in front of you that you'd have a better idea of why you feel the way you do?. Why does there have to be something inside your head/heart that has more control of you that you do? How come it can be asleep for so long that you've forgotten what it does to you and when it wakes you you feel like shit? you fall asleep even though you've been asleep for more than 12 hours already? That the day seems to drag and race by at the same time? Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach but know full well that your not ill. The nature of it means that although you feel crap that you deny yourself full knowledge of it so as to be incharge, even though blatently your not.
Why the nagging thought, tiny like a LED on a video recorder blinking on occasionally, that stabbing holes in your body may make you feel a bit better? coz i'm not stupid enough to think that it will but it still wants you to toy with that idea.

i know where i want to be, i know how to get there but i can't bring myself to face the journey.

It's the middle of May

Lani had her dummy in as she's teething. Kayne looked at her and said 'oh no she's got her dummy in - now she can't talk!'

Lani has her blood draw tomorrow. I feel so evil for putting her through it. Her hands will be numb so it should be fine but it's still horrible. She's teething as well. There is a little pokey bit which is the bottom left canine when you look at her and also the top left front tooth feels like it's further down - you can feel it inside when you touch the bottom of the gum.
She's started drinking 8oz every 3-4 hours. She is waking up at 5am when it used to be 6:30 maybe it's just teeth as she doesn't have a bottle til 8/9am but i'm worried that she's going to start needing solids soon. I really want to do baby-led weaning but she needs to be closer to 6 months. Although she is able to sit up right and can bring things to her mouth and makes chewing actions so maybe she will be ready before 6 months.

Lani teething

Kayne constantly asks for food. I am wondering whether he is bored? Maybe he is just hungry but if he's busy he doesn't ask for food all the time. He is 3 in a week!

He may be nearly 3, but he's still my baby!

I want to get to a point where we do things together Kayne Lani and I. I find myself wishing Lani was 8 or 9 months, which is where i found Kayne was a lot easier to entertain and he was a lot happier as he could do the things he was trying to do. But on the other hand i don't want her to grow up. I feel all my time is wasted and we never accomplish anything day-to-day. I want them to find life exciting and fun, but i can barely get hour to hour, i want to home school desperately but i'm worried that sometimes i would just not be bothered. Well i would but that i wouldn't do something i could of because it was hassle. I am a bit depressed or maybe just melloncolly. Life isn't going how i want it too and i hate it all feeling like it's on hold. I feel awful for being forced into living in this flat and that there isn't much we can do about it.

short and sweet

urrggghhh! it's been nearly a month

I hate the pressure of being a mum of 2 so bad at the moment. Everytime i think we are in a good routine it goes pear shaped. I have no one to talk about it too; other than Mark 'its fine' and Mum 'just do....'. Niether of which helps and i can't hack it.

Theres a new girl at group called Kirsty who i'm getting on with quite well she has two little one's and seems to be more like me than any of the others.

I feel like i'm an AP parent but i don't seem to be able to do it. I can't carry Lani ALL day like others say they do (i do have a bad back atm) She seem's so bored, again she's like Kayne and not, her brain is racing ahead of her physical abilitys and she gets cross. Unlike Kayne who got frustrated and was more like - oh ok. Kayne is wanting hugs all day today but i just feel like 'leave me alone' at the moment.
I don't leave either of them to cry etc. why am i trying to explain myself to a school of thought?
I'm feeling a bit crap at the moment, well more thats theres something niggling at me and i don't know what it is. Or maybe that's exactly what it is.

Lani's still Lactose intolerant, i think that she was just born with a low level of lactase and thats why she can't handle the 'normal' formula very well. oh well as i've said before only time will tell.

Oh, I'm going to be learning to drive. i have 'L' plates and i'm now on Mark's insurance, so Mark's gonna start teaching me. Excited but scared.

Of Tuesday and Wednesday

well i haven't done very much today. I got up late e.g when mark left for work.


Fed Lani, done some drawing with Kayne - his drawing is scary for a nearly 3 year old. We did an alphabet puzzle - i think he is slowly learning the alphabet. We went to the dentist. Rachael sent Lani a wrist rattle in the post.

A picture of Bear

I went to a scrapbooking group with mum for the 2nd week running. I'm starting to enjoy it and getting over the guilt of leaving Mark with both of them. But on the other hand i have them both everyday so why can't i have 2 hours to myself? I have nearly got 2 more pages done. Maybe i'll get them up here eventually.

Music is the healer of the soul. Loving my little playlist at the moment. I'm feeling better today, i guess its the sleep/depression balance - i can cope and conquer it better if i have enough sleep.

Thoughts

hmm... i'm fighting it. I'm sure it's not winning but i'm getting tired of the fight. There's nothing that can help, but i feel i'm getting swamped.

I'm always the one helping others so sometimes i shy away from everyone, my friends, my kids, my parents, Mark, all becuase i get bombared with thier 'stuff' although they don't know it. It's my problem i have to deal with it, understand it and control it but it takes effort and i'm nearly out of it.

Kayne wet the bed last night, the first time since he's been potty trained (3 weeks day/2 weeks night). I wasn't alot and i'm not worried. I was prepared for him just to be dry in the day but he's been doing nights too so that is great, and a few accidents are to be expected.

I sold some cloth nappies, that i got for Kayne when he was little, that i no longer want. I got £20 for the Large size stuff. Theres 3 other auctions running. i hope they sell - then i can buy lots of new nappies for Lani!

Lani is developing at an alarming rate, she's reaching for toys! She is so independant! If she doesn't like it, she'll cry, if she wants something she'll cry until she gets it. I'll have to keep on top of her boundries as she grows thats for sure. If we give and inch she will definately take a mile! She barely sleeps in the day, maybe 2 or 3 20-40 minute naps, thats between 6:30am to 7pm. She will drink 4-6oz every 3 hours and sleeps from 7pm ish to 4am, has a small feed then sleeps from 4am ish till 6:30am.

Lani reaching for a toy

I just wanna post a pic of Mark Baby Wearing (carrying a baby in a sling). I hope to get him to take a pick of me wearing Lani in a wrap.

Mark wearing Lani in a Fleece Corrie pouch