The Past week

Well i bought the Hauck (i'coo) Infinity. I got it at Kiddicare. I love it! It's so easy to push, i love the recline and the fact the seat faces me. I thought I'd get annoyed at the having to turn the seat round to collapse it but so far i haven't. The cosy toes is gorgeous. and Lani seems to love the pram, and Kayne seems to like it too, although it is a little weird being able to talk to him.

Lani has her 2nd set of injections on Fridayand Iolani is teething. She's gnawing her hands, crying quite a bit, drooling which is making her sound really chesty. She's been taking her bottles earlier today. or maybe I've been giving them earlier as i think that what's wrong and it isn't, she just wants hugs. I've been so busy today (self-inflicted i know) but i had to do some things as the place was getting disgusting. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, the microwave, and the fridge. I made some cakes with Kayne which, although hurried, was nice. Then i cooked a lasagna whilst Lani kicked on the changing mat half naked, which she loved.

I saw Kirsty last Friday, she had also thought about moving it together, and thats all we said about that. We just talked about stuff really not much important. Ashley asked for Mark's PS3 order which he agreed to as he doesn't have the money. Then i felt guilty for not letting him get it as it is £425, so i kinda suggested that he bought it on the credit card. Now i feel annoyed that i have as it is *alot* of money that we don't really have. Oh i dont know, he has wanted it for nearly 2 years but still thats £400 odd that we don't have, and if we did it could be better spend. but thats it, no more games etc for a long while.

...rant....

arrrrgggghhhh!!! (just needed to get that out)

why can i not do a f***ing thing right?

I moved out of my parents to provide a better place to live for Kayne : there is constant excessive noise from upstairs, kids and adults swear loudly everywhere(and at thier kids), kids destroy things in plain view in the middle of the day. I have no garden (*cries*)

I bring my child up to be polite and concientious of other peole : so now i can't help anyone who wants that for thier child

I try to stick to the recommended guildlines for babies : when i do i'm told its hogswash, when i don't i'm berated (well when i didn't with Kayne)

I can't possibly know anything about medicene (eg, reflux, lactose intolerance) : yet the doctor i spoke to didn't even know that you don't have to be throwing up to have reflux.

I'm so sick of the world of babies and the 'mine is worse at feeding/sleeping/behaving than yours' culture.

*cries* Maybe i am the one who's wrong maybe ... oh i don't know. i'm just seriously doubting myself. I'm seriously wondering whether the group i go to is right for me anymore. I love it and its been a great help, especially when i've been depressed, but the people there infuriate me.

Love

Love, funny thing really, one of the most sought after feeling and when you feel it it hurts. It literally sears though you whole body. skewers your heart until you could cry - yet you crave it. A feeling of helplessness and surrender to one pure emotion that is so so overwhelming.

An emotion that it different for every different person you are feeling it for. But hurts just the same. Even if that person is sat next to you or what seems a million miles away it is the same. A song or poem you hear makes you feel it, makes you hate it, makes you want it. Makes you cry.

A dream you see does all of these things at the same time. I'm reeling from them; they are everynight and i can't escape them. I'm so exhusted from them even if i don't remember them. I can't block them, i'm constantly on block. I guess extra work is needed.


My love for people is strong today, the love they have for people i can feel and it makes me feel happy, sad, and so overwhelmed.
My love for life is strong today but situations make me so stretched.
My love for you is strong today and for that there is no exception

Dreams and uptodaysies

I got the new Sims expansion yesterday. It's really pretty, they have worked so so hard on it! I'm really enjoying it at the moment.

Not done much recently. Kayne went to grandmas today. Sold 3 of my 4 nappy auctions. So i made about £60 this week, enough for about 5 Fuzzi bunz :) gonna put the last one on when i send the 3rd set. I might put the Kushies on aswell as i washed them the other day and they took about 2/3 days to dry! I don't like the system very much either. I put Lani in a fuzzi and changed her about 3 hours later. the fleece was a little damp and as I took out the liner is was really wet and i'd double stuffed it so it's really fantastic, to be honest i was really surprised at how good it was! So was Mark, his face was a picture when he realised how wet the 'stuffing' was.

Iolani modeling a red Fuzzi Bunz and 'Baby legs'

I was meant to be gong to Hobby Craft with mum and dad today but i guess they were busy. I was gonna get some more papers and embellishments. I need a new cartridge for my printer as mine seems to print 'streaky' and it's really annoying.

I had a strange dream again, and Oli, Leon, Hayley and Adam were in it. It was wierd something to with a war and to do with not seeing people for a long time. Not really sure what it was about. I had another one about Oli a few weeks ago. Mum told me to go for a walk with him and so i did and i took his hand and we just walked. It was by water and it was so pretty, and i felt love for him. I think it was probably a memory from walking with Mark. The feeling was probably an amplification of what i felt for mark and what i feel for Oli and maybe what he feels for his mum? I know it was a empathic projection as it wasn't from me : it was 'in me' if that makes sense? Also it was kind of the feeling i have for Kayne and Lani, that feeling that i would do anything to make things better. Which how i felt for Mark at the very beginning and what i would do for Oli now.


Mary J. Blige (Bridge), Will Smith - Tell me Why

Souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded,
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted