Week 2 of the Summer Holidays...

Lani has almost cracked crawling - i mean very nearly. she can move her arms forward and her legs but she doesn't get very far. But it will come with time. She gets very annoyed when things aren't going how she wants or when i leave her view. We have had some da-duh noises and some ai ai oi kinda things going on, so her vocal noises are increasing. She learnt to clap today in about an hour - she is so sweet. She also can play peek-a-boo with a cloth and pull it up and down over her face and she blows bubbles/raspberries sometimes. She gets bored very easily she will play with a toy for a few minutes and thats it for the day - So different to Kayne, who would play with things for 20 odd minutes at the same age.

Kayne is starting to get a bit stir crazy without nursery. We've got him the last of the Jolly Phonics books so we can have a go over the next few weeks. Also we are going to try and continue the 'number pairs' but i need to work out a way of making sure we do them properly/in a sensible way. We believe he can read/recognise 20-30 words now. I'm beginning to wonder whether he has a photographic memory. He doesn't seem interested in trying to use his phonics to sound out words he just wants to know what they say now. Maybe he doesn't know how to use them properly yet and also he doesn't know the doubles which makes it hard. I'm going to try and make him some books to learn to sound out the words. like 'fat cat on a mat' and 'dog on a log' Some thing kinda easy and also with things in it he likes.

Mark is off next week and we are hoping to to some things out and about. Go to the beach and maybe to the Didcot railway museum, just have family time and relax and getting Kayne happy with things of interest, to bolster him and his self confidence and do some 'home education' in the fun way.

Kayne the comedy boy

We were at grandmas today. He was playing with his Thomas track and he had Thomas and Percey going round and round a loop. He looks up after intently playing and announced 'Oh no i'm in trouble, i'm going round and round in circles'. He went to his 'Tidmouth sheds' and said 'grandma you come and play' grandma says 'Who will i be?' and Kayne as quick as a flash says 'the fat controller'.

Kayne put some things in grandads briefcase for his lunch tomorrow and said ' i want to go with grandad and have strawberry juice, crispys and nannarna' and about 2 hours later said, 'i want to got on a picnic with grandad tomorrow'

Gosh he can be so funny some times.

Lani has conjunctivitus her eye looks so so sore. 1-2 drops 4 times a day. Horrible horrible, my poor poor baby.
I love her so so much, i love her differently to Kayne but just as much. I'm so protective her and her emotions, i hope to the light that she doesn't get depression or ever feels like i can do. I think i was so in love with my easy and whimsical life when i was young that coming down to reality was so hard and horrible, i hate it now. I would love to be able to play with Sindy again, innocently like i can remember doing. My baby girl is so precious and beautiful i can't wait to see her grow and yet i don't want her too.

i am seriously considering another baby, when Lani is over 2. I want a home birth, and to breastfeed for atleast 6 months, but we shall see. Kayne wants another brother or sister.

Kayne wants a cat.

Kayne ill, Lani Spikey

Well over the past weekend Kayne was quite unwell, Another temperature spike/mini cold with Kayne as lethargic as possible and getting up to temperatures of 39.9, and considering his normal temperature on that thermometer is about 35.6 it was a bit scary, but 3 days of Calpol and Neurofen alternated got it down. Other than that he is fine now, he has a runny nose and a bit of a cough but thats it.

Lani got a tooth! On wednesday we went to Snelsmore Common with group and she was grizzling and then was crying and screaming. She had had medicene and Bongela and then a bit later Anbesol. All to no effect, i gave her a bottle and she calmed down and she was a little grizzly. I put her in the pram and we kept walking and she fell asleep. Later that afternoon when Mark had come home, we were readying them for bed, i had just finished sorting Kayne out and sat in the living room. Mark said you may wan tto feel in her mouth and she had a tooth. Somewhen between 3pm and 7 pm she had gained a tooth. It disappeared an hour later but is now there properly.

Kaynes 'report'

Oh! i'm a bit gobsmacked. I went to see Kaynes' teacher at nursery today to discuss him because i didn't get a report she said 'there isn't enough space to write about him'.
So i went with mum this afternoon while ill mark looked after ill kayne and grumpy lani.
She said he's gorgeous and polite and very bright.
Very very bright. Admittedly I can't remember all that she said.
Firstly the 'negitive-ish' comment : That he doesn't interact with the other children very much, i said he's always been like that, she was like as long as i'm aware of that and ok with it (e.g not worried) then that was ok.
She hadn't assessed him in anyway not pushed him or expected him to do anything so he could settle in - which i was glad to hear.
Apparently then; of thier 6 or so learning catergories he is near the top end of them all, things like mathematical dev, language dev etc. Read about them here (a PDF file):
http://www.standards.dfes.gov.uk/primary/publications/foundation_stage/eyfs/eyfs_framewk1307_v2.pdf
She said that if he continues like this she will be considering putting him up for the Gifted and Talented register (in YR1 i assume), in his prefered/best subject or all of them! Also that they will start looking at appropriate parts of the Yr1 National curriculum if he surpasses the foundation curriculum.

She's going to 'test' him on some words to gauge what reading level he is at and then tell me what books will be appropriate for him. Also next term they may send him home with some words to learn. Aswell as getting him 'going' with some sum's and writing.

She said that if he isn't interested with the things they are doing he gets up and walks off and uses the computer, it is noted that he is completely competent with the computer eg. can turn it on, select and use programmes, use the keyboard and mouse with ease. Also when the are sat on the carpet learning together he is so intent on listening to Miss House that he seems oblivious to the other children.

There was probably more but i was reeling so i can't remember anymore. It's wierd having all the things that you thought about your child realised to you. It's made me feel a bit more proactive. Now i can stop thinking that i've imagined all of it and we can make some pro-active 'plans' of things to do and do things that we may have thought may have been inappropriate.

She's getting there!

Lani is getting into that crawling position now. She can do it with ease in her baby nest and has done it a couple of times on the floor. She can also maintain it if i put her knees under her. She rocks back and forth, she's so cute. I hope she cracks it soon, she's so desperate to go now, she SCREAMS in frustration and my head is hurting from it!!



I can't wait to see Kayne and Lani chasing each other around the flat. I will be glad when she's mobile so she can follow me and i don't have to move her so she can see me. Although it will mean baracading lots of things as she will be one of those 'pull everything off of the shelf' babies.

Kayne did his first sports day! He did so well and had loads of fun. It did point out to me how much smaller he is compared to the other children but then he is one of the youngest there.

Dumbfounded

I spoke to a nursery team member about getting some stuff to do with Kayne in the afternoons as he gets bored/is just watching the TV.

She said 'talking with Kayne is like talking to a Year 1 pupil'. :O !! a 5 year old! what? is she saying he's mentally 2 years ahead (in so many words)! He knows a few more words ; On Off. I think i need a website to catalouge some of these things.

I'm shocked, she said that they are having to get other things out for him as he just looks at some of the things and is like 'uh no way thats boring'. I am so glad that they are providing him with things more suitable for him. I have my reservations about Wincombe but maybe it will be ok. Will still be checkingout other schools, as it is quite far at the moment (eg until i learn to drive).

Making plans

ok, i did something about it - i went to the doctors, i'm back on anti-depressants. I'm not sure if i want to be but i need to be, i need to be good and strong for Kayne and Lani and for myself. I need to start doing things for me. I need to scrap book again, and i need to learn to drive.

I have a small plan:

1) Learn to drive
2) Do a course at the college - art foundation?
3) Look at uni courses/ continue another course at college.

i need to be learning i hate the feeling i'm wasting my life, i know looking after kayne and lani is important but it doesn't stretch me. I need to stop thinking i'm a bad mother - i know i'm not! I take alot more care of my kids and i understand them alot better than many people do know thier own kids.
I want to get married, i think we should save for that. We have resigned to waiting til the council house us.
I can't wait for Kirsty to go on materinty leave, then hopefully we can meet up lots. I think i should go see her at the weekend too.
I need to find things for Kayne - something that will keep his interest. Thinking of keeping £50 aside of my CB and letting him run lose in toys'r'us or ELC or similar. We must take him to the didcot railway. I was thinking of getting some costume patterns and making him some costumes.

Depressed

Ever felt if you cut out your heart and put it on the table in front of you that you'd have a better idea of why you feel the way you do?. Why does there have to be something inside your head/heart that has more control of you that you do? How come it can be asleep for so long that you've forgotten what it does to you and when it wakes you you feel like shit? you fall asleep even though you've been asleep for more than 12 hours already? That the day seems to drag and race by at the same time? Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach but know full well that your not ill. The nature of it means that although you feel crap that you deny yourself full knowledge of it so as to be incharge, even though blatently your not.
Why the nagging thought, tiny like a LED on a video recorder blinking on occasionally, that stabbing holes in your body may make you feel a bit better? coz i'm not stupid enough to think that it will but it still wants you to toy with that idea.

i know where i want to be, i know how to get there but i can't bring myself to face the journey.