Belief systems - soul links

So, i have mentioned before that i sometimes understand things in a manner that people call Empathic. I'm not sure whether i am empathic or if i'm just very perceptive about people and able to read body language. Either way i'm often able to tell how people are feeling, even if they aren't sure themselves. i find it easy to see through peoples fronts: 'i'm so happy! (even when i can feel that they are misrable)' - i found this hard to understand when i was younger, it was obvious to me that they were not happy and that they were lying. I hate crowds, they are too busy, to mentally and emotionally crowding and too tiring. Luckly my visual-spatial and somewhat innate sense of direction means i can get out of a crowd pretty darn quickly.

Sometimes i hate this ability (for want of a better word). It is tiring, i sometimes wonder whether what i'm feeling is truly my emotion or someone elses. It is also incredibly difficult to converse with someone when you can feel their pain and you know that you can't say anything as they haven't mentioned it to you. I suffered sever depression for several months only to find that some of it wasn't mine.
When a very good friend of mine's mum died, he called me, we arranged to meet later. As soon as he put the phone down - I knew - he hadn't actually told me or said anything to indicate this. But as i put the phone down, i just knew, it was the worst feeling ever. Something in me resonated, made me understand this truth and i had no idea how. Obviously i told him to come straight over as everything else could wait. After that day i grieved for his mum for a week. Whilst i knew his mum, she was a fantastic person, i don't feel i knew her enough to grieve her in the way i did. I think i got some of the the pain of my friend and man it hurt.
I've been thinking alot about my personal belief system. I don't follow any conventional belief system that i am aware of. I feel that a belief system that feels good to you and that helps you understand things in your life is alot more important than being 'a Christian' or 'a Buddhist' or 'a....whatever'. I have nothing against any religion so long as the person believing is comfortable with everything about that belief system. I am technically a Christian, as i've been Christened, however i wish this wasn't so; i have no belief in this system and i feel a bit like a hypocrit even though i had no choice in the matter.
Part of my belief is about souls and whilst i won't go in to tonnes of detail, i feel that the idea of soulmates is one part of many types of bonds that we can feel with other people. My partner is one of my 'soulmates'. There was no really reason for me to be were i was when we met (well there is a bigger story here which i won't go into). Within a few days it was obvious that we weren't going to be leaving each others lives anytime in the near future. 7 years later we are ... sounds silly ... like the two halves of a whole. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel physically sick, the knowledge that one day we will die, hurts, and secretly (in a creepy/horrible way) i hope i'm first - so i don't have to feel the pain that I know is going to come.
Having said this; there are friends of mine that are so close to my heart i have often wondered if i'm in love with them (male and female alike). And still do! One of these is another person i have met in the strangest of ways and i did something very out of character to make a connection to this person. Having done some reading around on the internet i came across someone mentioning a happening he called 'a soul calling' (is as it says on the tin). I think this is a pretty good description of how i met this person. And whilst i have definately never met this person a part of me knows him, talking to him is like talking to someone you knew along time ago but can't quite remember. My link to him is strong i know things/feelings i shouldn't, and i have wondered about my feelings on more than one occasion.

So i have been doing alot of deep thinking trying to work out how to cope with how i feel and how to get there. I have been finding it hard to go to sleep and then when i am i have vivid dreams about things i can't remember, people in them that shouldn't be there. Dreams like this that come every night usually mean i'm trying to work things out in my subconcious, however they are tiring and they wear me out. I long for a decent sleep.

(i was gonna put a disclaimer at the beginning but i decided that i shouldn't because these are words from me and i can't change them)

I'm like a beacon of light

MA says: wanna come here for xmas then i can give you a proper hug for your xmas pressie?
LB says: :P
MA says:something tells me you need one
LB says: :P
MA says: or am i wrong?
LB says: ha na, neva
LB says: you're never wrong

I didn't think i was either, i just have trust the inkling and learn how to find the right person. i need to learn to shield myself too. or atleast get into the habit of it. Although i quite like knowing that someone needs a hug or whatever, it's not really fair and i'm not quick enough to notice the negative emotions coming. After reading some descriptions of empaths,i was rather shocked to find they described me almost exactly.

First day back

first day back to nursery today. Kayne went fine, was like we hadn't left.

Mark is on the 10;30 to 7 shift but it hasn't been as bad as i expected. I have been more organised and so it has been easy, well except that Lani is teething and so she hasn't been going to sleep very easily. Going back to nursery is also going to change the routines again! that we have just got sorted.

I've sorted my head out somewhat. Mark and i talked; Mark feels depressed which doesn't surprise me (secretly it didn't feel right that i felt that bad). He tells me nothing so as to make me feel better - but i know something is wrong and i feel worse because he isn't talking to me. it annoyed me somewhat as we are meant to be a partnership yet sometime i feel that we are together bacuase of Kayne and Lani. Sometimes i have not wanted to be here, i've been wondering if our relationship was over etc. Now i feel better about it all, we have started to talk in the evening and it's been better even in the 2 days that weve done it.
I went to mums the other night for 3 hours and did some scrapbooking. It felt good to do something i wanted to do that was productive. Bart has convinced me that i need to go and do something that makes me feel good, so inspired by something he said i'm going to go swimming on a Friday. What he said was: "like going to the gym for me. I don't always feel like going, but I know, when I'm done, when I'm standing in the shower, I feel my muscles and tiredness and think: 'hey, that was nice, I DID something' ". I'm trying to get Mark to go out and do something as i think that it will be important for him if he feels down.

well i didn't go shopping with Kirsty - she moved out of the flat as Leon brought some people back to the flat at 1:30 am and kept her up. So we are going to have to go another day.
I might be meeting up with an old friend that i used to go to school with; will right more if it occurs....

I've been trying to learn Dutch the past few days, it's going ok. I'm so glad Bart is patient. It's a brain challenge, it makes me feel like i'm not wasting my time. And thats not got anything to do with Lani or Kayne. All the old songs have the same meanings again. I'm finding it so hard to find myself in how i'm feeling at the moment, it's scary. I can't work it out. Damn it i get so 'attached'. He treats me like Tasha and not a mummy first. Something i wish everyone did, but i guess thats how it goes.

Everything is going ok i guess.

Love

Love, funny thing really, one of the most sought after feeling and when you feel it it hurts. It literally sears though you whole body. skewers your heart until you could cry - yet you crave it. A feeling of helplessness and surrender to one pure emotion that is so so overwhelming.

An emotion that it different for every different person you are feeling it for. But hurts just the same. Even if that person is sat next to you or what seems a million miles away it is the same. A song or poem you hear makes you feel it, makes you hate it, makes you want it. Makes you cry.

A dream you see does all of these things at the same time. I'm reeling from them; they are everynight and i can't escape them. I'm so exhusted from them even if i don't remember them. I can't block them, i'm constantly on block. I guess extra work is needed.


My love for people is strong today, the love they have for people i can feel and it makes me feel happy, sad, and so overwhelmed.
My love for life is strong today but situations make me so stretched.
My love for you is strong today and for that there is no exception

Dreams and uptodaysies

I got the new Sims expansion yesterday. It's really pretty, they have worked so so hard on it! I'm really enjoying it at the moment.

Not done much recently. Kayne went to grandmas today. Sold 3 of my 4 nappy auctions. So i made about £60 this week, enough for about 5 Fuzzi bunz :) gonna put the last one on when i send the 3rd set. I might put the Kushies on aswell as i washed them the other day and they took about 2/3 days to dry! I don't like the system very much either. I put Lani in a fuzzi and changed her about 3 hours later. the fleece was a little damp and as I took out the liner is was really wet and i'd double stuffed it so it's really fantastic, to be honest i was really surprised at how good it was! So was Mark, his face was a picture when he realised how wet the 'stuffing' was.

Iolani modeling a red Fuzzi Bunz and 'Baby legs'

I was meant to be gong to Hobby Craft with mum and dad today but i guess they were busy. I was gonna get some more papers and embellishments. I need a new cartridge for my printer as mine seems to print 'streaky' and it's really annoying.

I had a strange dream again, and Oli, Leon, Hayley and Adam were in it. It was wierd something to with a war and to do with not seeing people for a long time. Not really sure what it was about. I had another one about Oli a few weeks ago. Mum told me to go for a walk with him and so i did and i took his hand and we just walked. It was by water and it was so pretty, and i felt love for him. I think it was probably a memory from walking with Mark. The feeling was probably an amplification of what i felt for mark and what i feel for Oli and maybe what he feels for his mum? I know it was a empathic projection as it wasn't from me : it was 'in me' if that makes sense? Also it was kind of the feeling i have for Kayne and Lani, that feeling that i would do anything to make things better. Which how i felt for Mark at the very beginning and what i would do for Oli now.


Mary J. Blige (Bridge), Will Smith - Tell me Why

Souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded,
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted

Thoughts

hmm... i'm fighting it. I'm sure it's not winning but i'm getting tired of the fight. There's nothing that can help, but i feel i'm getting swamped.

I'm always the one helping others so sometimes i shy away from everyone, my friends, my kids, my parents, Mark, all becuase i get bombared with thier 'stuff' although they don't know it. It's my problem i have to deal with it, understand it and control it but it takes effort and i'm nearly out of it.

Kayne wet the bed last night, the first time since he's been potty trained (3 weeks day/2 weeks night). I wasn't alot and i'm not worried. I was prepared for him just to be dry in the day but he's been doing nights too so that is great, and a few accidents are to be expected.

I sold some cloth nappies, that i got for Kayne when he was little, that i no longer want. I got £20 for the Large size stuff. Theres 3 other auctions running. i hope they sell - then i can buy lots of new nappies for Lani!

Lani is developing at an alarming rate, she's reaching for toys! She is so independant! If she doesn't like it, she'll cry, if she wants something she'll cry until she gets it. I'll have to keep on top of her boundries as she grows thats for sure. If we give and inch she will definately take a mile! She barely sleeps in the day, maybe 2 or 3 20-40 minute naps, thats between 6:30am to 7pm. She will drink 4-6oz every 3 hours and sleeps from 7pm ish to 4am, has a small feed then sleeps from 4am ish till 6:30am.

Lani reaching for a toy

I just wanna post a pic of Mark Baby Wearing (carrying a baby in a sling). I hope to get him to take a pick of me wearing Lani in a wrap.

Mark wearing Lani in a Fleece Corrie pouch