Our week...

Last Tuesday we had a nice but wet day at Cotswold Wildlife park. Kayne enjoyed looking at all the Reptiles finding out what they eat etc. Lani liked the penguins - she tried climbing over the wall. She also enjoyed the puddles.

The rest of the week we didn't do too much; got Lani some milk, went to the park. Kayne played 'knights' most of the week. We all read lots of board books. We watched some Olympics, Kayne has been trying to watch the boxing, and i won't let him which makes him want to watch it more.

The weekend whizzed by again, we went to Mum's and Sunday we had a lazy day.

On Monday Kayne, Lani and I sorted out all the toys and tidied up. We switched toys around they played trains most of the day. Kayne and I drew and read some stories.
On Tuesday we met Hannah and Sophie at the library, Kayne spoke so much! I was shocked. He had lots of fun and on the way home announced that 'Max, Ruby and Sophie are my best friends'. I enjoyed thier yogurt pot 'play'. He has spent the past few days pretending to call Hannah and arranging to meet them again.
On Wednesday we went to Tesco's, and Next. Tesco's for arty things and Next for some clothes for Lani, she grows so much we had to buy some clothes in 2-3 yr size! At grandmas we did some drawing, Kayne made a felt puppet, and the painted. Although in general more paint went on them than the paper. Kayne made him self a gorgeous shade of blue. It was interesting - i've noticed that he gets worried and then gets upset about things like glue, paint, water mud, sand but then once it's on him he abandons himself to it. The only thing it doesn't seem to work for is swimming but maybe i will take him soon and see if this new confidence will help out in this area.

On Thursday we met a friend i haven't seen for a long time. It was nice to talk and catch up. I watched the rhythm gymnastics which i love. Kayne said again that he wants to do gymnastics so i'm definatly going to find him a class to try.

It's raining July

Wow, blogging has got all serious of late.
I was just looking again at the pictures of Kaynes sports days (see below), that middle picture? WOW what is going on with his hair?! Actually both Kayne and Lani's hair is getting so long, i'm glad thier hair is a bit curly or you would be able to see that it it comes to between thier shoulder blades.
I bought a new pc game - Settlers ~ Rise of an empire. It is so much fun. I love this series of games...it lets me get out my obsessive planning side with out driving anyone crazy! I've also been working on these Griddler puzzles. Well on the triddlers anyway. They are good fun, you have to use logic like Sudoku. Good brain stretching, and strangely i've been sleeping better since i've been doing them.
Lani and I went to see Stacy and kiddies this morning. Gosh they are so cute! It was good to just chat and drink tea. Lani had good fun playing with Joshua, and i kept any broodiness away by holding Tristen. Oddly i had no desire for another baby which is unusual for me.
Kayne had a taster day today for reception so was there from 9-3:15. It was very wierd, not sure what i'm going to do with myself when he's gone all day in September. I'm trying not to think about it and think more about the things that i'm going to do with Lani, like swimming and music/dance class things that i know she will like that Kayne never did.
Kayne is gaining confidence with reading, he keeps telling me he is very good at words, or that he is a great reader. He read 'passengers' today with no hesitation. He is improving rapidly and i think i'm getting a little left behind!
Lani is still obsessed with frogs! She can spot one a mile away!! I think i'm going to get her some toy frog things...just have to find some first! I'm so tempted to set my BiUbe up again and get some aquatic frogs...though i'm not sure where we could put it.
Hopefully it isn't raining tomorrow so i can go to the library and get some new books. I ordered a set of ten Corgi Pups from 'The book people' so that should be here in the next few days.

Belief systems - soul links

So, i have mentioned before that i sometimes understand things in a manner that people call Empathic. I'm not sure whether i am empathic or if i'm just very perceptive about people and able to read body language. Either way i'm often able to tell how people are feeling, even if they aren't sure themselves. i find it easy to see through peoples fronts: 'i'm so happy! (even when i can feel that they are misrable)' - i found this hard to understand when i was younger, it was obvious to me that they were not happy and that they were lying. I hate crowds, they are too busy, to mentally and emotionally crowding and too tiring. Luckly my visual-spatial and somewhat innate sense of direction means i can get out of a crowd pretty darn quickly.

Sometimes i hate this ability (for want of a better word). It is tiring, i sometimes wonder whether what i'm feeling is truly my emotion or someone elses. It is also incredibly difficult to converse with someone when you can feel their pain and you know that you can't say anything as they haven't mentioned it to you. I suffered sever depression for several months only to find that some of it wasn't mine.
When a very good friend of mine's mum died, he called me, we arranged to meet later. As soon as he put the phone down - I knew - he hadn't actually told me or said anything to indicate this. But as i put the phone down, i just knew, it was the worst feeling ever. Something in me resonated, made me understand this truth and i had no idea how. Obviously i told him to come straight over as everything else could wait. After that day i grieved for his mum for a week. Whilst i knew his mum, she was a fantastic person, i don't feel i knew her enough to grieve her in the way i did. I think i got some of the the pain of my friend and man it hurt.
I've been thinking alot about my personal belief system. I don't follow any conventional belief system that i am aware of. I feel that a belief system that feels good to you and that helps you understand things in your life is alot more important than being 'a Christian' or 'a Buddhist' or 'a....whatever'. I have nothing against any religion so long as the person believing is comfortable with everything about that belief system. I am technically a Christian, as i've been Christened, however i wish this wasn't so; i have no belief in this system and i feel a bit like a hypocrit even though i had no choice in the matter.
Part of my belief is about souls and whilst i won't go in to tonnes of detail, i feel that the idea of soulmates is one part of many types of bonds that we can feel with other people. My partner is one of my 'soulmates'. There was no really reason for me to be were i was when we met (well there is a bigger story here which i won't go into). Within a few days it was obvious that we weren't going to be leaving each others lives anytime in the near future. 7 years later we are ... sounds silly ... like the two halves of a whole. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel physically sick, the knowledge that one day we will die, hurts, and secretly (in a creepy/horrible way) i hope i'm first - so i don't have to feel the pain that I know is going to come.
Having said this; there are friends of mine that are so close to my heart i have often wondered if i'm in love with them (male and female alike). And still do! One of these is another person i have met in the strangest of ways and i did something very out of character to make a connection to this person. Having done some reading around on the internet i came across someone mentioning a happening he called 'a soul calling' (is as it says on the tin). I think this is a pretty good description of how i met this person. And whilst i have definately never met this person a part of me knows him, talking to him is like talking to someone you knew along time ago but can't quite remember. My link to him is strong i know things/feelings i shouldn't, and i have wondered about my feelings on more than one occasion.

So i have been doing alot of deep thinking trying to work out how to cope with how i feel and how to get there. I have been finding it hard to go to sleep and then when i am i have vivid dreams about things i can't remember, people in them that shouldn't be there. Dreams like this that come every night usually mean i'm trying to work things out in my subconcious, however they are tiring and they wear me out. I long for a decent sleep.

(i was gonna put a disclaimer at the beginning but i decided that i shouldn't because these are words from me and i can't change them)

November

So here we are nearly another month on and i haven't been keeping this up. The main reason being is that we are at Marks parents and so it's harder to get on etc. Hoping that our christmas present is a new flat away from the noisy upstairs.

So Kayne is doing great, has become a bit more boy-ish, resists things he doesn't want to do. Has a new friend in nursery so it's now a breeze to get him in in the morning. His reading is coming on massively, He is reading different things now, not just books, things like shop signs, the sky information box. If he doesn't get it right he gives a good estimate. I have just bought him some encyclopiedia type books as he is asking questions like 'Where is space?'

Lani will be 11 months in 2 days time. She has seemingly grown up so much in the past week or so. She obviously understands so much. She also knows her own mind. She signs; Where, all gone, hat, clean, milk, clever girl, waves (hello and goodbye), and squeezes her hand in the air for 'press'. She says (in her own way) hiya, mum (mmummm), dad (dada), grandad (ga dad), ta (ta/da), kayne (brrrbrr), no (nuh), bear (bah). She's started doing some 'peg-puzzles'. She some times makes brumming noises when playing with cars. She also has really poor blood circulation, just like me. We have just had an awful week of teething, but still no more teeth.

On the 2nd of December we are going to Paulton's park to see Father Christmas in his winter wonderland, they will get a present and we can go on the rides. It should be good fun. It's just the getting there early that will be the hard bit.
Christmas is coming and we have shopping to do....For just about everyone. I have got a few books for Kayne, but thats just because its easy to buy a few things in one go, and i wanted to get him one about Space.
Got to get Bart a birthday and SinterKlaas pressie. Mum a birthday present, Lani a birthday present.

The end of the weekend again...

hmmm well, it's the end of september which is scary. Leo went to uni yesterday, she is really not great with home sickness but i hope that for her sake she can stick it out. i guess i must be scary to go some place and know that that is now your home for 6 months. I felt worried when we moved here, but then i still had Mark and Kayne around so i knew i was ok.
Lani has again managed to make herself sick through crying, she gets herself in such a state. So no more leaving her. Well she wasn't really being left, she was in the buggy and she fell asleep. She woke up and was crying and i thought if i gave her a few minutes that she would fall asleep again, but she started coughing and Mark came in to pick her up and as he did she was sick into the buggy. She can stand for a coupld of seconds by herself now too.
I'm in a dilemma over getting Kayne tested.
We might be moving to a ground floor flat, the housing officer is coming to see our flat on Thursday - just to make sure we haven't trashed this one, and then when one comes up we can have it.
I've been learning dutch for a couple of weeks. I'm actually starting to 'get it'. I didn't make much progress with the book from the library, and the web page i was using didn't give enough examples. But i've found another page which i've been working through and so far it's going ok. I can some times understand things Bart writes to me, well i get the gist of what he is saying to me. though so far i haven't been able to reply, but it will come. Just trying to remember the different conjugations for verbs, oh and word order. but i guess with time i won't need to remember, i will just know it.

Oh gosh!

Lani is 9 months old today! I can't believe how quickly that has gone. I remember telling Bart like it was yesterday - that was a weird experience. She is so grown-up now, well not grown-up but you can almost see her learning. She can wave bye-bye, shakes her head when you say no to her.

Kirsty had her baby on the morning of Monday the 17th of September. She had a baby boy, he weighed 5lb 11oz, and they called him Joshua.

First day back

first day back to nursery today. Kayne went fine, was like we hadn't left.

Mark is on the 10;30 to 7 shift but it hasn't been as bad as i expected. I have been more organised and so it has been easy, well except that Lani is teething and so she hasn't been going to sleep very easily. Going back to nursery is also going to change the routines again! that we have just got sorted.

I've sorted my head out somewhat. Mark and i talked; Mark feels depressed which doesn't surprise me (secretly it didn't feel right that i felt that bad). He tells me nothing so as to make me feel better - but i know something is wrong and i feel worse because he isn't talking to me. it annoyed me somewhat as we are meant to be a partnership yet sometime i feel that we are together bacuase of Kayne and Lani. Sometimes i have not wanted to be here, i've been wondering if our relationship was over etc. Now i feel better about it all, we have started to talk in the evening and it's been better even in the 2 days that weve done it.
I went to mums the other night for 3 hours and did some scrapbooking. It felt good to do something i wanted to do that was productive. Bart has convinced me that i need to go and do something that makes me feel good, so inspired by something he said i'm going to go swimming on a Friday. What he said was: "like going to the gym for me. I don't always feel like going, but I know, when I'm done, when I'm standing in the shower, I feel my muscles and tiredness and think: 'hey, that was nice, I DID something' ". I'm trying to get Mark to go out and do something as i think that it will be important for him if he feels down.

well i didn't go shopping with Kirsty - she moved out of the flat as Leon brought some people back to the flat at 1:30 am and kept her up. So we are going to have to go another day.
I might be meeting up with an old friend that i used to go to school with; will right more if it occurs....

I've been trying to learn Dutch the past few days, it's going ok. I'm so glad Bart is patient. It's a brain challenge, it makes me feel like i'm not wasting my time. And thats not got anything to do with Lani or Kayne. All the old songs have the same meanings again. I'm finding it so hard to find myself in how i'm feeling at the moment, it's scary. I can't work it out. Damn it i get so 'attached'. He treats me like Tasha and not a mummy first. Something i wish everyone did, but i guess thats how it goes.

Everything is going ok i guess.

Making plans

ok, i did something about it - i went to the doctors, i'm back on anti-depressants. I'm not sure if i want to be but i need to be, i need to be good and strong for Kayne and Lani and for myself. I need to start doing things for me. I need to scrap book again, and i need to learn to drive.

I have a small plan:

1) Learn to drive
2) Do a course at the college - art foundation?
3) Look at uni courses/ continue another course at college.

i need to be learning i hate the feeling i'm wasting my life, i know looking after kayne and lani is important but it doesn't stretch me. I need to stop thinking i'm a bad mother - i know i'm not! I take alot more care of my kids and i understand them alot better than many people do know thier own kids.
I want to get married, i think we should save for that. We have resigned to waiting til the council house us.
I can't wait for Kirsty to go on materinty leave, then hopefully we can meet up lots. I think i should go see her at the weekend too.
I need to find things for Kayne - something that will keep his interest. Thinking of keeping £50 aside of my CB and letting him run lose in toys'r'us or ELC or similar. We must take him to the didcot railway. I was thinking of getting some costume patterns and making him some costumes.

Holiday and stuff

It's Kayne's 3rd birthday today.

We got off of our 5 day break at Butlins yesterday. It was great, Kayne had so much fun, we all did really. I learnt so much about him in the past 5 days that i am kicking myself that i hadn't noticed it before. He’s so funny, smart, sensitive, articulate, confident and determined. I would have never of noticed his confidence if it wasn’t for our holiday. We were in the ‘Skyline’ watching ‘Lemon’ do some juggling etc. then all the kids got to do some plate spinning. So Kayne and I got our plate, I’m spinning it and handing it too him, He was moving it around saying ‘Look a spaceship is getting you mummy’ and generally having fun. The Lemon said that they had to make up a trick and then he would pick some people to come up and show everyone. We span plates for another 10 minutes and then five kids went up one after the other. They got to walk onto the stage from the side, we cheered and then they showed their trick. So it came to the last person to be picked and the kids (Kayne included) were screaming ‘Me!’, Kayne said to me ‘he’s not listening to me’ and proceeded to strut off to the front of the group and up the stairs of the stage. Lemon was saying ‘oh so your going to show us one? What’s your name?’ Kayne ignores him and tries to get the plate spinning and so Red-Coat Chris helped him and he stood there with it spinning for a bit. Then he must have remembered that they came on from the side, so he walked over to the side of the stage. Then it turned a bit pantomime as on of the girl Red-Coats started running from one side of the stage to the other with Lemon going ‘oh no, I seem to have lost a small boy!’
It had Mark and I in hysterics. I would have never of thought that he could do something like that, but he was adamant that he would be going on next – they weren’t listening to him – so he did something about it.
We went swimming where Kayne tried drowning himself and Lani loved it. Kayne decided that he was going to do something and started to walk away from me and I didn’t get within arms reach quick enough and he slipped on the pool floor and his head went under. He didn’t have armbands on as I’ve tried him with them before and he refused to wear them so I ended up holding them the whole time. But I hope that we will go every Thursday evening and he will be wearing them. Lani adores water and I think it will be good to foster her love of it starting now and hopefully it will continue to rub on Kayne as it has done so far in the bath.

The choice I didn’t want to make is coming up, Lani is starting to consume milk at a terrifying rate of knots. We are talking 8oz every 3 hours and she is draining the bottle. She sleeps through the night and actually sleeps roughly 6-6, and has maybe an hour in the day. On holiday she drank an 8oz and 6oz bottle in one hour – that’s 14oz! and she drained both of them. There is 20 UK fl oz in a UK pint. I would make 9oz but you can’t mix it in the bottle!! I desperately want to do baby-led weaning but I’m not sure she’s gonna last to 6 months. Her teeth are nearly through i think. She also rolled front to back this afternoon in front of Leo and mum. She looked so pleased with herself.

Oli, my dearest Oli, buried his mum this week. I feel so sad for him. I just keep telling him that I’m here if he needs me. But I don’t feel its enough but there isn’t much I can do. I cried last Saturday about his mum and for him, it hurt that something like that had to happen. It just doesn’t make any sense. I know he’s resilient but I don’t like how he seems to brush things off. He never tells you the more serious thoughts in his head, or should I say tells me, he may tell his friends in Pompey but I’m not sure.

Oli

bugger

Oli i love you so much. I hope i can be strong for you when you need me. I'm glad you came to me. I'm glad you can talk to us and know we understand somewhat.
My head is spinning i can't believe it. I can't imagine how you feel, I wish you knew that we can see through impecable facade. We won't mind if you don't want to talk or laugh or joke, just to sit in the company of friends is enough.

Tash tash
xxx