Depressed

Ever felt if you cut out your heart and put it on the table in front of you that you'd have a better idea of why you feel the way you do?. Why does there have to be something inside your head/heart that has more control of you that you do? How come it can be asleep for so long that you've forgotten what it does to you and when it wakes you you feel like shit? you fall asleep even though you've been asleep for more than 12 hours already? That the day seems to drag and race by at the same time? Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach but know full well that your not ill. The nature of it means that although you feel crap that you deny yourself full knowledge of it so as to be incharge, even though blatently your not.
Why the nagging thought, tiny like a LED on a video recorder blinking on occasionally, that stabbing holes in your body may make you feel a bit better? coz i'm not stupid enough to think that it will but it still wants you to toy with that idea.

i know where i want to be, i know how to get there but i can't bring myself to face the journey.