Making plans

ok, i did something about it - i went to the doctors, i'm back on anti-depressants. I'm not sure if i want to be but i need to be, i need to be good and strong for Kayne and Lani and for myself. I need to start doing things for me. I need to scrap book again, and i need to learn to drive.

I have a small plan:

1) Learn to drive
2) Do a course at the college - art foundation?
3) Look at uni courses/ continue another course at college.

i need to be learning i hate the feeling i'm wasting my life, i know looking after kayne and lani is important but it doesn't stretch me. I need to stop thinking i'm a bad mother - i know i'm not! I take alot more care of my kids and i understand them alot better than many people do know thier own kids.
I want to get married, i think we should save for that. We have resigned to waiting til the council house us.
I can't wait for Kirsty to go on materinty leave, then hopefully we can meet up lots. I think i should go see her at the weekend too.
I need to find things for Kayne - something that will keep his interest. Thinking of keeping £50 aside of my CB and letting him run lose in toys'r'us or ELC or similar. We must take him to the didcot railway. I was thinking of getting some costume patterns and making him some costumes.

short and sweet

urrggghhh! it's been nearly a month

I hate the pressure of being a mum of 2 so bad at the moment. Everytime i think we are in a good routine it goes pear shaped. I have no one to talk about it too; other than Mark 'its fine' and Mum 'just do....'. Niether of which helps and i can't hack it.

Theres a new girl at group called Kirsty who i'm getting on with quite well she has two little one's and seems to be more like me than any of the others.

I feel like i'm an AP parent but i don't seem to be able to do it. I can't carry Lani ALL day like others say they do (i do have a bad back atm) She seem's so bored, again she's like Kayne and not, her brain is racing ahead of her physical abilitys and she gets cross. Unlike Kayne who got frustrated and was more like - oh ok. Kayne is wanting hugs all day today but i just feel like 'leave me alone' at the moment.
I don't leave either of them to cry etc. why am i trying to explain myself to a school of thought?
I'm feeling a bit crap at the moment, well more thats theres something niggling at me and i don't know what it is. Or maybe that's exactly what it is.

Lani's still Lactose intolerant, i think that she was just born with a low level of lactase and thats why she can't handle the 'normal' formula very well. oh well as i've said before only time will tell.

Oh, I'm going to be learning to drive. i have 'L' plates and i'm now on Mark's insurance, so Mark's gonna start teaching me. Excited but scared.