Different

Don't you just hate it when you realise how different you are from everyone you know? Including your own mum? Grrr... Came home last night after an afternoon with my mum. An afternoon of 'what about socialisation/you'd be getting rid of him all dad' statements on homeschooling. Don't get me wrong she's great, but she acts like everything to do with Kayne is hard work. 'in a minute' 'when i've done this'...
We live in a flat, 1st floor, and at the bottom of the stairwell there were 3 of the girls who live here and another lady. they were cooing over Lani and asking me about buggies. I do use buggies although i wear Lani in a sling as well. And they started talking about thier kids, how they are always saying 'no...' 'don't touch' 'don't this don't that' ..... LOL and both Mark and i looked at each other and said nothing. We dont have this with Kayne, I'm not saying that he is perfect all the time, but i'm not constantly telling him not to touch/ or do this or that. or screaming him him as i hear upstairs doing. If he starts wandering off i just say 'Kayne come back please' and 99% of the time he complies. Actually thinking about it he's so so different to his peers it starts to worry me. My G.P noted that she would be doing his 3 1/2 year check in 7 months but said that he would already 'pass' it with ease. I'm gonna have to think about searching out some early readers soon as he is trying to learn :S I'm worried about his future and how to balance him socially and mentally so he doesn't try and get too ahead of himself (without holding him back). Hence why i want to HE (among other things) as i'm so scared that they will switch him off too learning by making him bored, and he'll waste himself (like my brother is currently doing for the same reasons).
*breathe* any hoo. i guess all bridges will be crossed when we get to them. Just tired of having no one to turn too who understands. Tired of worrying that i sound pretentisous (sp lol) when i try to ask people and them think thats what i'm like. or that i'm a pushy mum (lol i'm so laid back i'm led down!) or that i'm 'hot housing' him or something. I'm Not.

Easter weekend

well it was easter weekend. On Good friday we went to Mark's Mum's, and Kayne and Lani got toys from them from thier holiday. I did half an hour's driving!! I can go in a forward direction and reverse up a slope. I can't turn though! LLOL thats the next thing to learn.

On the Saturday we went to mum's and Mark got his hair cut - it looks fab. Didn't do very much at all. Was meant to do a bit more driving practice but we didn't.

On Easter Sunday we went to Paultons park, which was great. Kayne loved it, and we enjoyed every minute of it. He was fantasically behaved and i had a great time slinging Lani and getting loads of looks! Loved it.

Lani goes to sleep by herself in her crib - alone. i'm sure that it's to do with our more AP approach to her.

Me Slinging Lani

short and sweet

urrggghhh! it's been nearly a month

I hate the pressure of being a mum of 2 so bad at the moment. Everytime i think we are in a good routine it goes pear shaped. I have no one to talk about it too; other than Mark 'its fine' and Mum 'just do....'. Niether of which helps and i can't hack it.

Theres a new girl at group called Kirsty who i'm getting on with quite well she has two little one's and seems to be more like me than any of the others.

I feel like i'm an AP parent but i don't seem to be able to do it. I can't carry Lani ALL day like others say they do (i do have a bad back atm) She seem's so bored, again she's like Kayne and not, her brain is racing ahead of her physical abilitys and she gets cross. Unlike Kayne who got frustrated and was more like - oh ok. Kayne is wanting hugs all day today but i just feel like 'leave me alone' at the moment.
I don't leave either of them to cry etc. why am i trying to explain myself to a school of thought?
I'm feeling a bit crap at the moment, well more thats theres something niggling at me and i don't know what it is. Or maybe that's exactly what it is.

Lani's still Lactose intolerant, i think that she was just born with a low level of lactase and thats why she can't handle the 'normal' formula very well. oh well as i've said before only time will tell.

Oh, I'm going to be learning to drive. i have 'L' plates and i'm now on Mark's insurance, so Mark's gonna start teaching me. Excited but scared.

The Past week

Well i bought the Hauck (i'coo) Infinity. I got it at Kiddicare. I love it! It's so easy to push, i love the recline and the fact the seat faces me. I thought I'd get annoyed at the having to turn the seat round to collapse it but so far i haven't. The cosy toes is gorgeous. and Lani seems to love the pram, and Kayne seems to like it too, although it is a little weird being able to talk to him.

Lani has her 2nd set of injections on Fridayand Iolani is teething. She's gnawing her hands, crying quite a bit, drooling which is making her sound really chesty. She's been taking her bottles earlier today. or maybe I've been giving them earlier as i think that what's wrong and it isn't, she just wants hugs. I've been so busy today (self-inflicted i know) but i had to do some things as the place was getting disgusting. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, the microwave, and the fridge. I made some cakes with Kayne which, although hurried, was nice. Then i cooked a lasagna whilst Lani kicked on the changing mat half naked, which she loved.

I saw Kirsty last Friday, she had also thought about moving it together, and thats all we said about that. We just talked about stuff really not much important. Ashley asked for Mark's PS3 order which he agreed to as he doesn't have the money. Then i felt guilty for not letting him get it as it is £425, so i kinda suggested that he bought it on the credit card. Now i feel annoyed that i have as it is *alot* of money that we don't really have. Oh i dont know, he has wanted it for nearly 2 years but still thats £400 odd that we don't have, and if we did it could be better spend. but thats it, no more games etc for a long while.

...rant....

arrrrgggghhhh!!! (just needed to get that out)

why can i not do a f***ing thing right?

I moved out of my parents to provide a better place to live for Kayne : there is constant excessive noise from upstairs, kids and adults swear loudly everywhere(and at thier kids), kids destroy things in plain view in the middle of the day. I have no garden (*cries*)

I bring my child up to be polite and concientious of other peole : so now i can't help anyone who wants that for thier child

I try to stick to the recommended guildlines for babies : when i do i'm told its hogswash, when i don't i'm berated (well when i didn't with Kayne)

I can't possibly know anything about medicene (eg, reflux, lactose intolerance) : yet the doctor i spoke to didn't even know that you don't have to be throwing up to have reflux.

I'm so sick of the world of babies and the 'mine is worse at feeding/sleeping/behaving than yours' culture.

*cries* Maybe i am the one who's wrong maybe ... oh i don't know. i'm just seriously doubting myself. I'm seriously wondering whether the group i go to is right for me anymore. I love it and its been a great help, especially when i've been depressed, but the people there infuriate me.

Love

Love, funny thing really, one of the most sought after feeling and when you feel it it hurts. It literally sears though you whole body. skewers your heart until you could cry - yet you crave it. A feeling of helplessness and surrender to one pure emotion that is so so overwhelming.

An emotion that it different for every different person you are feeling it for. But hurts just the same. Even if that person is sat next to you or what seems a million miles away it is the same. A song or poem you hear makes you feel it, makes you hate it, makes you want it. Makes you cry.

A dream you see does all of these things at the same time. I'm reeling from them; they are everynight and i can't escape them. I'm so exhusted from them even if i don't remember them. I can't block them, i'm constantly on block. I guess extra work is needed.


My love for people is strong today, the love they have for people i can feel and it makes me feel happy, sad, and so overwhelmed.
My love for life is strong today but situations make me so stretched.
My love for you is strong today and for that there is no exception

Dreams and uptodaysies

I got the new Sims expansion yesterday. It's really pretty, they have worked so so hard on it! I'm really enjoying it at the moment.

Not done much recently. Kayne went to grandmas today. Sold 3 of my 4 nappy auctions. So i made about £60 this week, enough for about 5 Fuzzi bunz :) gonna put the last one on when i send the 3rd set. I might put the Kushies on aswell as i washed them the other day and they took about 2/3 days to dry! I don't like the system very much either. I put Lani in a fuzzi and changed her about 3 hours later. the fleece was a little damp and as I took out the liner is was really wet and i'd double stuffed it so it's really fantastic, to be honest i was really surprised at how good it was! So was Mark, his face was a picture when he realised how wet the 'stuffing' was.

Iolani modeling a red Fuzzi Bunz and 'Baby legs'

I was meant to be gong to Hobby Craft with mum and dad today but i guess they were busy. I was gonna get some more papers and embellishments. I need a new cartridge for my printer as mine seems to print 'streaky' and it's really annoying.

I had a strange dream again, and Oli, Leon, Hayley and Adam were in it. It was wierd something to with a war and to do with not seeing people for a long time. Not really sure what it was about. I had another one about Oli a few weeks ago. Mum told me to go for a walk with him and so i did and i took his hand and we just walked. It was by water and it was so pretty, and i felt love for him. I think it was probably a memory from walking with Mark. The feeling was probably an amplification of what i felt for mark and what i feel for Oli and maybe what he feels for his mum? I know it was a empathic projection as it wasn't from me : it was 'in me' if that makes sense? Also it was kind of the feeling i have for Kayne and Lani, that feeling that i would do anything to make things better. Which how i felt for Mark at the very beginning and what i would do for Oli now.


Mary J. Blige (Bridge), Will Smith - Tell me Why

Souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded,
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted