The Past week

Well i bought the Hauck (i'coo) Infinity. I got it at Kiddicare. I love it! It's so easy to push, i love the recline and the fact the seat faces me. I thought I'd get annoyed at the having to turn the seat round to collapse it but so far i haven't. The cosy toes is gorgeous. and Lani seems to love the pram, and Kayne seems to like it too, although it is a little weird being able to talk to him.

Lani has her 2nd set of injections on Fridayand Iolani is teething. She's gnawing her hands, crying quite a bit, drooling which is making her sound really chesty. She's been taking her bottles earlier today. or maybe I've been giving them earlier as i think that what's wrong and it isn't, she just wants hugs. I've been so busy today (self-inflicted i know) but i had to do some things as the place was getting disgusting. I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, the microwave, and the fridge. I made some cakes with Kayne which, although hurried, was nice. Then i cooked a lasagna whilst Lani kicked on the changing mat half naked, which she loved.

I saw Kirsty last Friday, she had also thought about moving it together, and thats all we said about that. We just talked about stuff really not much important. Ashley asked for Mark's PS3 order which he agreed to as he doesn't have the money. Then i felt guilty for not letting him get it as it is £425, so i kinda suggested that he bought it on the credit card. Now i feel annoyed that i have as it is *alot* of money that we don't really have. Oh i dont know, he has wanted it for nearly 2 years but still thats £400 odd that we don't have, and if we did it could be better spend. but thats it, no more games etc for a long while.

...rant....

arrrrgggghhhh!!! (just needed to get that out)

why can i not do a f***ing thing right?

I moved out of my parents to provide a better place to live for Kayne : there is constant excessive noise from upstairs, kids and adults swear loudly everywhere(and at thier kids), kids destroy things in plain view in the middle of the day. I have no garden (*cries*)

I bring my child up to be polite and concientious of other peole : so now i can't help anyone who wants that for thier child

I try to stick to the recommended guildlines for babies : when i do i'm told its hogswash, when i don't i'm berated (well when i didn't with Kayne)

I can't possibly know anything about medicene (eg, reflux, lactose intolerance) : yet the doctor i spoke to didn't even know that you don't have to be throwing up to have reflux.

I'm so sick of the world of babies and the 'mine is worse at feeding/sleeping/behaving than yours' culture.

*cries* Maybe i am the one who's wrong maybe ... oh i don't know. i'm just seriously doubting myself. I'm seriously wondering whether the group i go to is right for me anymore. I love it and its been a great help, especially when i've been depressed, but the people there infuriate me.

Love

Love, funny thing really, one of the most sought after feeling and when you feel it it hurts. It literally sears though you whole body. skewers your heart until you could cry - yet you crave it. A feeling of helplessness and surrender to one pure emotion that is so so overwhelming.

An emotion that it different for every different person you are feeling it for. But hurts just the same. Even if that person is sat next to you or what seems a million miles away it is the same. A song or poem you hear makes you feel it, makes you hate it, makes you want it. Makes you cry.

A dream you see does all of these things at the same time. I'm reeling from them; they are everynight and i can't escape them. I'm so exhusted from them even if i don't remember them. I can't block them, i'm constantly on block. I guess extra work is needed.


My love for people is strong today, the love they have for people i can feel and it makes me feel happy, sad, and so overwhelmed.
My love for life is strong today but situations make me so stretched.
My love for you is strong today and for that there is no exception

Dreams and uptodaysies

I got the new Sims expansion yesterday. It's really pretty, they have worked so so hard on it! I'm really enjoying it at the moment.

Not done much recently. Kayne went to grandmas today. Sold 3 of my 4 nappy auctions. So i made about £60 this week, enough for about 5 Fuzzi bunz :) gonna put the last one on when i send the 3rd set. I might put the Kushies on aswell as i washed them the other day and they took about 2/3 days to dry! I don't like the system very much either. I put Lani in a fuzzi and changed her about 3 hours later. the fleece was a little damp and as I took out the liner is was really wet and i'd double stuffed it so it's really fantastic, to be honest i was really surprised at how good it was! So was Mark, his face was a picture when he realised how wet the 'stuffing' was.

Iolani modeling a red Fuzzi Bunz and 'Baby legs'

I was meant to be gong to Hobby Craft with mum and dad today but i guess they were busy. I was gonna get some more papers and embellishments. I need a new cartridge for my printer as mine seems to print 'streaky' and it's really annoying.

I had a strange dream again, and Oli, Leon, Hayley and Adam were in it. It was wierd something to with a war and to do with not seeing people for a long time. Not really sure what it was about. I had another one about Oli a few weeks ago. Mum told me to go for a walk with him and so i did and i took his hand and we just walked. It was by water and it was so pretty, and i felt love for him. I think it was probably a memory from walking with Mark. The feeling was probably an amplification of what i felt for mark and what i feel for Oli and maybe what he feels for his mum? I know it was a empathic projection as it wasn't from me : it was 'in me' if that makes sense? Also it was kind of the feeling i have for Kayne and Lani, that feeling that i would do anything to make things better. Which how i felt for Mark at the very beginning and what i would do for Oli now.


Mary J. Blige (Bridge), Will Smith - Tell me Why

Souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded,
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted

Of Tuesday and Wednesday

well i haven't done very much today. I got up late e.g when mark left for work.


Fed Lani, done some drawing with Kayne - his drawing is scary for a nearly 3 year old. We did an alphabet puzzle - i think he is slowly learning the alphabet. We went to the dentist. Rachael sent Lani a wrist rattle in the post.

A picture of Bear

I went to a scrapbooking group with mum for the 2nd week running. I'm starting to enjoy it and getting over the guilt of leaving Mark with both of them. But on the other hand i have them both everyday so why can't i have 2 hours to myself? I have nearly got 2 more pages done. Maybe i'll get them up here eventually.

Music is the healer of the soul. Loving my little playlist at the moment. I'm feeling better today, i guess its the sleep/depression balance - i can cope and conquer it better if i have enough sleep.

Thoughts

hmm... i'm fighting it. I'm sure it's not winning but i'm getting tired of the fight. There's nothing that can help, but i feel i'm getting swamped.

I'm always the one helping others so sometimes i shy away from everyone, my friends, my kids, my parents, Mark, all becuase i get bombared with thier 'stuff' although they don't know it. It's my problem i have to deal with it, understand it and control it but it takes effort and i'm nearly out of it.

Kayne wet the bed last night, the first time since he's been potty trained (3 weeks day/2 weeks night). I wasn't alot and i'm not worried. I was prepared for him just to be dry in the day but he's been doing nights too so that is great, and a few accidents are to be expected.

I sold some cloth nappies, that i got for Kayne when he was little, that i no longer want. I got £20 for the Large size stuff. Theres 3 other auctions running. i hope they sell - then i can buy lots of new nappies for Lani!

Lani is developing at an alarming rate, she's reaching for toys! She is so independant! If she doesn't like it, she'll cry, if she wants something she'll cry until she gets it. I'll have to keep on top of her boundries as she grows thats for sure. If we give and inch she will definately take a mile! She barely sleeps in the day, maybe 2 or 3 20-40 minute naps, thats between 6:30am to 7pm. She will drink 4-6oz every 3 hours and sleeps from 7pm ish to 4am, has a small feed then sleeps from 4am ish till 6:30am.

Lani reaching for a toy

I just wanna post a pic of Mark Baby Wearing (carrying a baby in a sling). I hope to get him to take a pick of me wearing Lani in a wrap.

Mark wearing Lani in a Fleece Corrie pouch

An Introduction

a little more about me:

I'm 22, i have 2 children and a Fiancee that i adore. My Little 'uns are Kayne who is 2 years and 9 months and Iolani who is 2 months. My partner is Mark and we've been together nearly 6 years!

Kayne is an amazing little boy. He does not fit any of the toddler sterotypes at all. He's only had 4 or 5 proper tantrums in his life, which more often than not, are because i didn't understand him rather than he couldn't get his own way. I don't believe that there is such a thing as the 'terrible twos'. His language and vocabulary is incredible, he has well over 400 words at his disposal (which i'm sure is to do with the fact we used baby signs). He can count freely to 12 forwards and back, and higher if promted. His imagination is incredible, i've listened to him 'painting' pictures led in bed at night, 'get some blue paint the sky, get green for grass'.
Kayne is also very quiet, he is wary of loud children and strangers, this is a part of his personality that i'm trying to help him with by sending him to nursery. Although i was wary of sending him too early (he was just over 2 when he started) i realised it was for his benefit.

Iolani (Lani), is gorgeous. She held her head from birth and is trying to sit herself up from a reclined position. She bats at toys now and is very 'chatty'. She has an absolutely b-e-a-utiful smile! We struggled so much with her when she was first born. She was being sick (projectile 2-3 feet), wouldn't lay down, feed every hour, never slept more than an hour at the most, would only sleep on me, had awful wind, green liquid poo, a rash on her face after eating, really watery/gunky eyes bloated tummy. We changed bottles and then milk, which helped somewhat, then we tryied Colief in a low lactose milk and then we worked out that her milk was basically lactose free. so we tried SMA Lactose Free (generally you should only do this on the recommendation of your GP or HV. But ours gave us no help as she was gaining weight). The improvement in her is immense: all her 'symptoms' have gone. Took her to a different GP who agreed to perscribe the milk (£5 for 450g, which lasts about 2-3days). Although after her injections she got watery eyes again (since found out that the Meninngitous C has lactose in it), and they are still watery one week on. so I'm a little worried that she's actually allergic to milk and not Lactose Intolerant, but we shall see.

Hmm. i guess i should write something about me. Well as i said i'm 22. I had Kayne at 19 and Iolani at 21. I've got 2 A-levels, and 1 As. I did the first part of a OU Degree but i decided that the subject (English Literature) wasn't something i want to study, i enjoy reading books and things, but i don't want to study it. I think i'm going to do something to do with child development. I won't be starting until Lani is atleast one and we have enough money, and i've learnt to drive! I don't fit any of the current 'teenage mother' stereotypes. Although i'm not sure i still am a teenager mother as i'm 22, i was when Kayne was born. I could get on a soap box about stereotypes but won't right now, i'll wait until i've been stared at numerous times in the street and give a really good post, hehe...

Love Tasha