Everything is normal now. Mark is back at work and Kayne started nursery (again) yesterday. So far it's good, but then it's only day 2 and everything is fun. I've asked for a meeting after they have done thier assesments of the kids. I just wanna be on top of everything, i do not want a repeat of Winchcombe. It stresses me to think that they have no idea what he can do and he could so easily slip under thier radar.
I have booked his pre-school booster - i'm not looking forward to that! Also an eye-test for him as he almost always refuses to sit on the sofa to watch t.v; prefering to stand right in front of it or sit on the floor closer to it.
We go on a short break on friday til monday and then on the 12th to the 16th. Then it's Kayne's birthday on the Monday! OMG he's gonna be 4.
Mark's foot is de-bandaged and he is allowed to walk on it in a fashion.
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Saturday, 12 April 2008
All about Friday
What a fiasco! These past few days have been the most stressful i've had ...ever? Mark got a lift to the hospital at 6:10 am, Lani and Kayne got up at 6:30. I waited around, cleaned, sorted washing, fed children in a complete daze all morning. Marks parents arrived at 11:30. The seemed to be trying to convince me that we should go up straight away. Mark text at about 12:30 saying he should be going down to theatre soon. We left here at 2 got there around 3 - he wasn't back yet. So we waited an hour and went back up...he'd just got back.
He looked tired, very pale, with that wide-eyed/doped up look. I wanted to get on the bed and lay with him - can't do that incase of infection. So then we casually say to the nurse about taking him home - as thats teh reason we were there. She said 'oh no, you aren't going home tonight' and we were thinking hang-on he came in for 'day-surgery'!! There was never any mention of staying overnight, he had nothing with him, no change of clothes, underwear, toothbrush! I was so angry. We'd made his parents come off of holiday to pick him up and he wasn't even going to come home. Mark was really angry and then was crying because he felt they lied to him. Which in essence they did because they never mentioned once anything about an over-night stay. Not even in the infomation booklet,that they give you about what to bring etc, did it say anything like 'if your operation is in the afternoon, you may have to stay overnight' or anything along those lines.
Just shows how fucked up our health service is. Not even the surgeon doing it said anything about him staying, and then after was all like 'of course you wouldn't be going home', they treat you like a bunch of fucking idiots.
Anyway, i get to phone the hospital at 10 and then go to mums, then i'm going over to the hospital at about 2 ish i hope. Lani got me up at 6:30 this morning. We got in at 10:30 i was asleep by 11:15, Kayne is still asleep and its 9 (just woke up - its 9:15), the lastest he has EVER laid in.
Went to Leo's 21st party last night which i didn't think we'd be able to (the only good thing about Mark staying in). Was good fun, spoke to Sarah-Lee and Jilly about babies. Spoke to Scott a bit, he gave me a kiss, don't think he's does that since we were little. But he's been really worried about this lump (although it will be fine), A few hugs and i told him he'll be ok. Lani kept saying 'Hiya dada!, there you are!' to Jack (who has short hair like Marks), she'd walk over to him and then say 'oh' and sign finished and run away. You'd assume that they would forget over that period of time (24 hours) although he is her dad and she adores him. It was so sweet and i had to not cry as mum was fussing me! - As if she didn't have enough to do. I spent alot of time talking to Jamie. We talked about Bleach and computer games. I'm glad we have this common interest because it means that we can talk, also that Jamie has someone to talk to because there wasn't anyone for him at the party really - though he did play with Kayne (maybe because Kayne has no expectations of how Jamie should act).
He looked tired, very pale, with that wide-eyed/doped up look. I wanted to get on the bed and lay with him - can't do that incase of infection. So then we casually say to the nurse about taking him home - as thats teh reason we were there. She said 'oh no, you aren't going home tonight' and we were thinking hang-on he came in for 'day-surgery'!! There was never any mention of staying overnight, he had nothing with him, no change of clothes, underwear, toothbrush! I was so angry. We'd made his parents come off of holiday to pick him up and he wasn't even going to come home. Mark was really angry and then was crying because he felt they lied to him. Which in essence they did because they never mentioned once anything about an over-night stay. Not even in the infomation booklet,that they give you about what to bring etc, did it say anything like 'if your operation is in the afternoon, you may have to stay overnight' or anything along those lines.
Just shows how fucked up our health service is. Not even the surgeon doing it said anything about him staying, and then after was all like 'of course you wouldn't be going home', they treat you like a bunch of fucking idiots.
Anyway, i get to phone the hospital at 10 and then go to mums, then i'm going over to the hospital at about 2 ish i hope. Lani got me up at 6:30 this morning. We got in at 10:30 i was asleep by 11:15, Kayne is still asleep and its 9 (just woke up - its 9:15), the lastest he has EVER laid in.
Went to Leo's 21st party last night which i didn't think we'd be able to (the only good thing about Mark staying in). Was good fun, spoke to Sarah-Lee and Jilly about babies. Spoke to Scott a bit, he gave me a kiss, don't think he's does that since we were little. But he's been really worried about this lump (although it will be fine), A few hugs and i told him he'll be ok. Lani kept saying 'Hiya dada!, there you are!' to Jack (who has short hair like Marks), she'd walk over to him and then say 'oh' and sign finished and run away. You'd assume that they would forget over that period of time (24 hours) although he is her dad and she adores him. It was so sweet and i had to not cry as mum was fussing me! - As if she didn't have enough to do. I spent alot of time talking to Jamie. We talked about Bleach and computer games. I'm glad we have this common interest because it means that we can talk, also that Jamie has someone to talk to because there wasn't anyone for him at the party really - though he did play with Kayne (maybe because Kayne has no expectations of how Jamie should act).
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Up to April already...
Been up and down since my last post. We've all been ill. Lani is teething badly, i think it's 2 molars and atleast 2 front teeth, she has 11 now i think. Only 8 days till Mark's operation. Only 7 days till baby Amelie is 1.
I've been looking at some courses on OU. I need to exercise my brain and i need to find some things to do with Lani when Kayne is at nursery. I'm hoping to find a music type class we can go to. I'm leaving the group i've been going to for nearly 4 years. I feel i've just moved on from it. They can't help me any more. I've learnt to deal with my depression as and when it comes. I think i am able to minimise the 'down-time' it causes me. I think accepting that I may never get rid of it means that it only wades in when it is a big thing. Sorting out school issues has help clear my mind. I know i need to find things outside of my children.
I've been reading a lot about giftedness for nearly a year now. I was shocked to read that things that i do are consider traits of giftedness. But on the other hand not really, i know that things i can see and the connections i make, other people don't or can't. I always thought that that was just the differences between people. Mark can do 20 simple sums (+, - /, x) in 16 seconds (Brain Training). The one that really got me is that i can manipulate 3D objects in my minds eye - i thought everyone could do this, i guess it explains why i was good at product design in school.
Anyway on to a few pictures as i haven't put any on for ages;
The world looks better this way
I've been looking at some courses on OU. I need to exercise my brain and i need to find some things to do with Lani when Kayne is at nursery. I'm hoping to find a music type class we can go to. I'm leaving the group i've been going to for nearly 4 years. I feel i've just moved on from it. They can't help me any more. I've learnt to deal with my depression as and when it comes. I think i am able to minimise the 'down-time' it causes me. I think accepting that I may never get rid of it means that it only wades in when it is a big thing. Sorting out school issues has help clear my mind. I know i need to find things outside of my children.
I've been reading a lot about giftedness for nearly a year now. I was shocked to read that things that i do are consider traits of giftedness. But on the other hand not really, i know that things i can see and the connections i make, other people don't or can't. I always thought that that was just the differences between people. Mark can do 20 simple sums (+, - /, x) in 16 seconds (Brain Training). The one that really got me is that i can manipulate 3D objects in my minds eye - i thought everyone could do this, i guess it explains why i was good at product design in school.
Anyway on to a few pictures as i haven't put any on for ages;
The world looks better this way
I love you big brother
Whenever Kayne is laying on the floor Lani will come and lay on him. She snuggles him, and they lay together, It's so beautiful. You can just about see on Kayne's face that he's isn't 100% happy about this arrangement. He isn't always completely happy with being held and never really has been - it has to be on his terms. But the expression is more likely that they are nearly the same weight and she is squashing him!
Proper Lego! 
Not completely got the finger skill to fiddle with it properly but it's more fun than Duplo which he barely touches anymore. Only bad thing about this stuff is Lani likes to put it in her mouth so Kayne has to go out in the hallway to play with it.
Lani at 16 months!
Monday, 17 March 2008
Belief systems - soul links
So, i have mentioned before that i sometimes understand things in a manner that people call Empathic. I'm not sure whether i am empathic or if i'm just very perceptive about people and able to read body language. Either way i'm often able to tell how people are feeling, even if they aren't sure themselves. i find it easy to see through peoples fronts: 'i'm so happy! (even when i can feel that they are misrable)' - i found this hard to understand when i was younger, it was obvious to me that they were not happy and that they were lying. I hate crowds, they are too busy, to mentally and emotionally crowding and too tiring. Luckly my visual-spatial and somewhat innate sense of direction means i can get out of a crowd pretty darn quickly.
Sometimes i hate this ability (for want of a better word). It is tiring, i sometimes wonder whether what i'm feeling is truly my emotion or someone elses. It is also incredibly difficult to converse with someone when you can feel their pain and you know that you can't say anything as they haven't mentioned it to you. I suffered sever depression for several months only to find that some of it wasn't mine.
When a very good friend of mine's mum died, he called me, we arranged to meet later. As soon as he put the phone down - I knew - he hadn't actually told me or said anything to indicate this. But as i put the phone down, i just knew, it was the worst feeling ever. Something in me resonated, made me understand this truth and i had no idea how. Obviously i told him to come straight over as everything else could wait. After that day i grieved for his mum for a week. Whilst i knew his mum, she was a fantastic person, i don't feel i knew her enough to grieve her in the way i did. I think i got some of the the pain of my friend and man it hurt.
I've been thinking alot about my personal belief system. I don't follow any conventional belief system that i am aware of. I feel that a belief system that feels good to you and that helps you understand things in your life is alot more important than being 'a Christian' or 'a Buddhist' or 'a....whatever'. I have nothing against any religion so long as the person believing is comfortable with everything about that belief system. I am technically a Christian, as i've been Christened, however i wish this wasn't so; i have no belief in this system and i feel a bit like a hypocrit even though i had no choice in the matter.
Part of my belief is about souls and whilst i won't go in to tonnes of detail, i feel that the idea of soulmates is one part of many types of bonds that we can feel with other people. My partner is one of my 'soulmates'. There was no really reason for me to be were i was when we met (well there is a bigger story here which i won't go into). Within a few days it was obvious that we weren't going to be leaving each others lives anytime in the near future. 7 years later we are ... sounds silly ... like the two halves of a whole. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel physically sick, the knowledge that one day we will die, hurts, and secretly (in a creepy/horrible way) i hope i'm first - so i don't have to feel the pain that I know is going to come.
Having said this; there are friends of mine that are so close to my heart i have often wondered if i'm in love with them (male and female alike). And still do! One of these is another person i have met in the strangest of ways and i did something very out of character to make a connection to this person. Having done some reading around on the internet i came across someone mentioning a happening he called 'a soul calling' (is as it says on the tin). I think this is a pretty good description of how i met this person. And whilst i have definately never met this person a part of me knows him, talking to him is like talking to someone you knew along time ago but can't quite remember. My link to him is strong i know things/feelings i shouldn't, and i have wondered about my feelings on more than one occasion.
So i have been doing alot of deep thinking trying to work out how to cope with how i feel and how to get there. I have been finding it hard to go to sleep and then when i am i have vivid dreams about things i can't remember, people in them that shouldn't be there. Dreams like this that come every night usually mean i'm trying to work things out in my subconcious, however they are tiring and they wear me out. I long for a decent sleep.
(i was gonna put a disclaimer at the beginning but i decided that i shouldn't because these are words from me and i can't change them)
Sometimes i hate this ability (for want of a better word). It is tiring, i sometimes wonder whether what i'm feeling is truly my emotion or someone elses. It is also incredibly difficult to converse with someone when you can feel their pain and you know that you can't say anything as they haven't mentioned it to you. I suffered sever depression for several months only to find that some of it wasn't mine.
When a very good friend of mine's mum died, he called me, we arranged to meet later. As soon as he put the phone down - I knew - he hadn't actually told me or said anything to indicate this. But as i put the phone down, i just knew, it was the worst feeling ever. Something in me resonated, made me understand this truth and i had no idea how. Obviously i told him to come straight over as everything else could wait. After that day i grieved for his mum for a week. Whilst i knew his mum, she was a fantastic person, i don't feel i knew her enough to grieve her in the way i did. I think i got some of the the pain of my friend and man it hurt.
I've been thinking alot about my personal belief system. I don't follow any conventional belief system that i am aware of. I feel that a belief system that feels good to you and that helps you understand things in your life is alot more important than being 'a Christian' or 'a Buddhist' or 'a....whatever'. I have nothing against any religion so long as the person believing is comfortable with everything about that belief system. I am technically a Christian, as i've been Christened, however i wish this wasn't so; i have no belief in this system and i feel a bit like a hypocrit even though i had no choice in the matter.
Part of my belief is about souls and whilst i won't go in to tonnes of detail, i feel that the idea of soulmates is one part of many types of bonds that we can feel with other people. My partner is one of my 'soulmates'. There was no really reason for me to be were i was when we met (well there is a bigger story here which i won't go into). Within a few days it was obvious that we weren't going to be leaving each others lives anytime in the near future. 7 years later we are ... sounds silly ... like the two halves of a whole. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel physically sick, the knowledge that one day we will die, hurts, and secretly (in a creepy/horrible way) i hope i'm first - so i don't have to feel the pain that I know is going to come.
Having said this; there are friends of mine that are so close to my heart i have often wondered if i'm in love with them (male and female alike). And still do! One of these is another person i have met in the strangest of ways and i did something very out of character to make a connection to this person. Having done some reading around on the internet i came across someone mentioning a happening he called 'a soul calling' (is as it says on the tin). I think this is a pretty good description of how i met this person. And whilst i have definately never met this person a part of me knows him, talking to him is like talking to someone you knew along time ago but can't quite remember. My link to him is strong i know things/feelings i shouldn't, and i have wondered about my feelings on more than one occasion.
So i have been doing alot of deep thinking trying to work out how to cope with how i feel and how to get there. I have been finding it hard to go to sleep and then when i am i have vivid dreams about things i can't remember, people in them that shouldn't be there. Dreams like this that come every night usually mean i'm trying to work things out in my subconcious, however they are tiring and they wear me out. I long for a decent sleep.
(i was gonna put a disclaimer at the beginning but i decided that i shouldn't because these are words from me and i can't change them)
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Lani Walking, and Kayne talking.
Lani walking, with my really bad cameramanship. Kayne, as ever, trying to get in the action.
A video of Lani.
I sound awful in this video (but nobody likes the sound of thier own voice right?) But it's got Lani in it and she's cute, so i'm hoping that will make up for it :)
She says a few words in this video, but she's really tired (as you can see) having just drunk a whole bottle of milk. She signs a few baby signs but you really have to watch her hands and know them to see them.
School Placement
So we got Kaynes school placement back, we got Robert Sandilands which, whilst it wasn't our first choice, it is still a good placement. It makes a lot of things easier, it's only 2 minutes away and their nursery sessions are longer. They are big on personal wellbeing which is gonna be good for Kayne. I've hopefully got him a place in that nursery after Easter. Which means i have to tell Winchcombe that he is leaving - i hate doing things like this, for some reason i always feel like i've let someone down (though in reality i feel they have let Kayne down).
Lani has another tooth making our total 8.
Lani has another tooth making our total 8.
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