Belief systems - soul links

So, i have mentioned before that i sometimes understand things in a manner that people call Empathic. I'm not sure whether i am empathic or if i'm just very perceptive about people and able to read body language. Either way i'm often able to tell how people are feeling, even if they aren't sure themselves. i find it easy to see through peoples fronts: 'i'm so happy! (even when i can feel that they are misrable)' - i found this hard to understand when i was younger, it was obvious to me that they were not happy and that they were lying. I hate crowds, they are too busy, to mentally and emotionally crowding and too tiring. Luckly my visual-spatial and somewhat innate sense of direction means i can get out of a crowd pretty darn quickly.

Sometimes i hate this ability (for want of a better word). It is tiring, i sometimes wonder whether what i'm feeling is truly my emotion or someone elses. It is also incredibly difficult to converse with someone when you can feel their pain and you know that you can't say anything as they haven't mentioned it to you. I suffered sever depression for several months only to find that some of it wasn't mine.
When a very good friend of mine's mum died, he called me, we arranged to meet later. As soon as he put the phone down - I knew - he hadn't actually told me or said anything to indicate this. But as i put the phone down, i just knew, it was the worst feeling ever. Something in me resonated, made me understand this truth and i had no idea how. Obviously i told him to come straight over as everything else could wait. After that day i grieved for his mum for a week. Whilst i knew his mum, she was a fantastic person, i don't feel i knew her enough to grieve her in the way i did. I think i got some of the the pain of my friend and man it hurt.
I've been thinking alot about my personal belief system. I don't follow any conventional belief system that i am aware of. I feel that a belief system that feels good to you and that helps you understand things in your life is alot more important than being 'a Christian' or 'a Buddhist' or 'a....whatever'. I have nothing against any religion so long as the person believing is comfortable with everything about that belief system. I am technically a Christian, as i've been Christened, however i wish this wasn't so; i have no belief in this system and i feel a bit like a hypocrit even though i had no choice in the matter.
Part of my belief is about souls and whilst i won't go in to tonnes of detail, i feel that the idea of soulmates is one part of many types of bonds that we can feel with other people. My partner is one of my 'soulmates'. There was no really reason for me to be were i was when we met (well there is a bigger story here which i won't go into). Within a few days it was obvious that we weren't going to be leaving each others lives anytime in the near future. 7 years later we are ... sounds silly ... like the two halves of a whole. The thought of anything happening to him makes me feel physically sick, the knowledge that one day we will die, hurts, and secretly (in a creepy/horrible way) i hope i'm first - so i don't have to feel the pain that I know is going to come.
Having said this; there are friends of mine that are so close to my heart i have often wondered if i'm in love with them (male and female alike). And still do! One of these is another person i have met in the strangest of ways and i did something very out of character to make a connection to this person. Having done some reading around on the internet i came across someone mentioning a happening he called 'a soul calling' (is as it says on the tin). I think this is a pretty good description of how i met this person. And whilst i have definately never met this person a part of me knows him, talking to him is like talking to someone you knew along time ago but can't quite remember. My link to him is strong i know things/feelings i shouldn't, and i have wondered about my feelings on more than one occasion.

So i have been doing alot of deep thinking trying to work out how to cope with how i feel and how to get there. I have been finding it hard to go to sleep and then when i am i have vivid dreams about things i can't remember, people in them that shouldn't be there. Dreams like this that come every night usually mean i'm trying to work things out in my subconcious, however they are tiring and they wear me out. I long for a decent sleep.

(i was gonna put a disclaimer at the beginning but i decided that i shouldn't because these are words from me and i can't change them)

Lani Walking, and Kayne talking.

Lani walking, with my really bad cameramanship. Kayne, as ever, trying to get in the action.

A video of Lani.

I sound awful in this video (but nobody likes the sound of thier own voice right?) But it's got Lani in it and she's cute, so i'm hoping that will make up for it :)

She says a few words in this video, but she's really tired (as you can see) having just drunk a whole bottle of milk. She signs a few baby signs but you really have to watch her hands and know them to see them.

School Placement

So we got Kaynes school placement back, we got Robert Sandilands which, whilst it wasn't our first choice, it is still a good placement. It makes a lot of things easier, it's only 2 minutes away and their nursery sessions are longer. They are big on personal wellbeing which is gonna be good for Kayne. I've hopefully got him a place in that nursery after Easter. Which means i have to tell Winchcombe that he is leaving - i hate doing things like this, for some reason i always feel like i've let someone down (though in reality i feel they have let Kayne down).

Lani has another tooth making our total 8.

Ditched it...

So we are now not using the cream the Dr. gave us, we switched back to Eumocream and her eczema went from really red and hot back to a bit red in a few hours.
She is teething and has got one of the first molars on the left side. So that brings us to 7 teeth.

Doctors with Lani

Took Lani to the doctors on Thursday. We got a referral for her eyes...just need to make an appointment. And we got cream for her eczema patches, we have to put it on twice a day atleast, except we have done it for one day and the patches are redder than before.

Also we got a letter to take Kayne for his Hib booster - Yikes! Not relishing this idea....

Walking and Parent-teacher meeting.

Lani is walking really well now, she carries things with her and is generally growing at a rate that shocks me. She now gets her shoes from the front door as she understands that means she can go outside - but has learnt the art of tantrums when we say we aren't going out. She can say about 23 words now - i'm not sure if other people would understand them but they are words!

I've been trying to remember Kayne at this age but i can't. That makes me sad; the thought that when they grow you lose their former selves but i suppose new people grow in thier place and with them grow new challenges and delights.

It's half term, Kayne is alot easier to deal with this week, not so difficult, or so easily 'set-off'. It's horrible to see him when he gets upset. It's not just crying...he looks like he is falling apart at that moment - like someone has taken the foor from underneath him. His face shows sheer disbelief. His fingers go into his mouth -which is his sign of anxiousness- and he emits a awful noise. He just stands stock still and freezes.

We had parents evening the other day. Mrs M didn't say anything really that good about him, which was annoying... maybe she figured that if she said he was doing well in something i'd want to know what they were going to do next?
.....Anyway She said:
She was worried about his -fine motor control- mainly because he refuses to colour in,
That he will not do some of his teacher led activities.... This confuses me..

I always thought of Kayne as someone who conforms, he will 99% of the time obey what we tell him and don't have many problems. I do notice he manages to talk around other people - My parents, Mark's parents other people we have contact with. He is so able linguistly that it's easy to be won over by his reasons and explianations if you aren't one step ahead all the time. It's so easy to switch off to the endless talking and then say yes to something you haven't been paying attention too.